Shutting Down the World

After six years of not writing anything, I was trying to decide where to even begin. So much has happened, and so much hasn't. Heck, the last time I wrote, My daughter was barely more than a fetus, my creativity was vastly different, and I had just started working a steady job. Now my daughter's six, I'm a somewhat compitent musician, I've done a lot more voice acting, and my job? Well, it's still here, and despite how much I could gripe about that, I really am thankful for it. I suppose if I kept writing I'd allude to all of these things in time. So perhaps I might as well start with what's on the entire world's mind right now.

We are in the grip of a global pandemic: they call it Covit 19, and it has all but shut the world down. The virus is doing what viruses do, all be it to a far greater degree than usual. I don't know if there's a single country unaffected right now. It's cancelled schools all over the world, and shut down huge swathes of businesses, sporting events, and even the 2020 Olympics, though Tokyo wanted to go ahead with that one in spite of the virus. There are over a million infected, small potatoes when compared with a population of 8 billion, but still more than a few. Of those, a small percentage are actually fatal. Symptoms range from mild flu-like, to massive respiratory issues. I myself wonder if Chelsea and I may have gotten it, though I am mostly recovered. Poor Chelsea meanwhile is pretty sick, but no more than she has been in the past. The endometriosis isn't helping of course.

So what does that mean for me and my family? Well, Eliza's going stir crazy. She can't go to school, and can't spend time with her friends. Everyone is practicing social distancing, staying at least six feet apart at all times when out in public, and not leaving our houses except when necessary. She's been great through all this, but it's starting to really affect her; manifesting in whining about the simplest things. She's becoming scared of a lot too, and I think that's a result less of the fears themselves and more a manifestation of the strain of the isolation. As for me, I'm an essential service, so I'm still working three days one and five days off. It's hard to be at work because it's boring as all get out. And when it's not boring it's frustrating, because people don't get the concept of distance, and for only coming in for things which are really necessary. It's also hard being home, mainly because Eliza is having such a hard time. Some days are great, but more and more, she is difficult. I know it's not her fault, but that doesn't change the fact that some days, I wish I could just be by myself. Unfortunately, fatherhood doesn't really work that way, not good fatherhood anyway. At the end of most days, I am left drained no matter what. I Seek escape in gaming at the moment, because in that, at least, I have some measure of control. There's my psycho-analysis for the day.

How Have You Been Gone So Long?

2020! Six whole years since my last attempt to document my life. Clearly a new low. I’m through making promises to write more; clearly it’s not helping.

Where to even start? Eliza is six already. Though I’ve missed out on documenting her life so far in this, I at least have a plethora of pictures and videos to fall back on. It’s been remarkable watching her grow from this little barely human creature into the beautiful young lady she’s becoming. We still have lots of challenges – lots and lots of them – but overall I’m very proud of her.

I’ve really gotten into writing music. I can’t even recall if that was something I was trying my hand at in 2014, but it’s become a big part of my life. So much so that it created a bit of a falling out with Chelsea and I. Don’t get me wrong, she’s super supportive. But I spent a lot of money on software to make my music sound good, and while I didn’t lie to her about it or anything, I didn’t loop her into the decision. Overall it was around $2000. She wasn’t happy when she found out. And I don’t blame her one bit. It was the first time we really got into a major struggle. Though you could hardly call it a fight, because from the first I knew she was right. But I digress. That’s the negative. The positive is way more interesting. I’m actually a musician. Sure, I can’t play live, just like I can’t record voice lines live, but with the help of some really awesome sounding virtual instruments and an audio editing program I can hold my own. One of my pieces even got featured in a video game, along with my portrayal of a sinister wizard. Sure, almost nobody I know has even played it, but it’s out there, and I’m in the credits, and I even earned a little money. My first booked job as it were.

I’m also still heavily into creating audio theatre. I’ve definitely gotten better at it. I’ve finished several projects since my last entry, and two of them were even collaborations with others. The first of these was a bit of a hot mess in the acting department, but I’m still really happy with the overall project. I did all the sound design, music and some voice work. It’s an hour long; by far the longest thing I’ve done to date. The other collaboration was a reimagining of H P Lovecraft’s The Hound. I did most of the voice acting for that, as well as all the sound design and music. There’s a finished version done by someone else, and it does my heart good to know mine will be of higher quality. That’s not saying the other one isn’t decent.

Things in the writing department aren’t going so well, though at least I do still write. The Nightshade Working hasn’t been worked on since not long after Eliza was born, but I have continued on Dreamlight – which sat unwritten since 2010, and a new story which is now 80 pages. No matter how you spin it though, I don’t write nearly enough. I don’t know what my problem is. I think I just get overwhelmed by my own ambition. I’m not up to the challenge of bringing to life the ideas that sound so good in my head. I bet a lot of writers feel that way.

Indeed part of the reason for my floundering is I am spread too thin. I love music, voice acting and audio theatre. I also love gaming, spending time with my family and writing. I can’t do them all and get really good at them, and I can’t figure out which ones to give up on to gain a narrower focus. This has been eating at me for years now. Sure, I wasn’t much of a writer even before these other endeavors started, but it’s gotten worse in ways. I hate feeling this way, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to try to learn a new hobby because I know it will only add to the chaos. It doesn’t help that in none of these hobbies do I really excel. I’m only an okay gamer; my gaming is slower than most. I’m a slow voice actor; slow enough that I fear nobody would ever higher me for a job, because I can’t cold read to save my life. I’m also a half-assed musician; needing to rely on audio editing to make anything decent. And as for writing? I’m just overwhelmed like I said. I’m really a mess in that regard. But I can’t help loving it all anyway. And to be honest, I love the praise and validation I get whenever someone tells me my creations are good.

At the moment, I’m trying to do a blog about all these issues in the hopes I can sort myself out. Of course, the blog requires me to write, so that’s coming slowly too. I’m hoping it will help in some way.

Where would you like to be in 10 years?

I usually skip over writing prompts like this or completely groan and die a little when I have to answer this or do an essay on this topic. Today, after looking over tons of other writing prompts I decided to tackle this and maybe write why I hate this question. 
I hate this questions because I think, I'm just trying to survive this hour, day, week, month how am I suppose to write about YEARS at a time. In ten years I will be 38 and there will be so many variables between now and then. My life is impacted by two other lives right now and before they were here it was my parents.
I am obviously not a dreamer haha! I don't really have dreams or hopes for my life. I hoped I would get married and I did that. That was about it. Sometimes I let myself dream a little bit but then quickly talk myself out of it by thinking of the practicalities. "Well that's not at all realistic. In order for that to happen xy and z would have to happen."
SO ten years from now (so ridiculous) I don't know. Not even in my dream world can I picture something.
I'm not a dreamer, I don't have goals beyond a year, I'm just trying to survive today, and I hate this question.

• What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

 When I first saw that question my first response was go back to school. I would go back to school and take classes and more classes! I realize I would also have to have unlimited funds so I'm not sure how that would work. There are so many careers I would love to go to school for and try out. I am interested in so many things but also I just want to learn so many things so to go back to school and be promised that no matter what class I took I wouldn't fail, I would love that. 

Write my book(s!) finally. I have so many novels started and late at night while I'm trying to sleep I will write more in my head which I promptly forget as soon as I wake up. It's not a fear of failing to get them published that keeps me from writing because I don't really care if any of them get published or read for that matter I just want to finish them. SO I'm not sure what's holding me back but if I had the promise that when I started writing that I would finish I think I would do it. (Kind of sounds like something I could actually make happen)

Feel less guilty about parenting. If I knew that there was no way to fail as a parent and all I had to do was try to do my best I would walk around feeling way less guilty. 

Be more honest with people. Tell them how they hurt me or offended me or things that I'm struggling with or how I really feel about things and just be promised that it will go well. By well I just me that we both are completely honest and both leave the conversation feeling good and resolved. 
 
I wish I could ask more questions about this question.  "what do you mean?" "Can you define it a bit more?"

• What is your favorite hot drink, and how do you make it? 

My top three are hot chocolate, tea, and apple cider but Michigan apple cider I mean the other stuff is fine but there is nothing like Michigan Apple cider. 

 Hot chocolate I start by filling my mug with a few splashes of milk and then I add some flavored coffee creamer. My current favorite is chocolate mint truffle. Then I add the powder with the mini marshmallows and then fill the rest of the mug with boiling water. I sip slowly and go into diabetic comma! haha!

Tea- I only really like the fruit teas and mint but I'm not a huge tea drinker. I'm trying to get better about that since it's nice to have a warm drink at the end of the day during the winter and sometimes all the sugar is just too much.  I did have a dream last night where I tried a different kind of tea and really liked it a lot (hahaha! what an odd dream. I will have to look that one up)

Here on the Island I just buy those apple cider packets and they are fine.In Michigan I would go to the apple orchard and buy apple cider and then either heat it up on the stove or in the microwave. Oh yum. 

Oh yes, my child, I love you. My child, I'll always care for you.

My sweet little darling,

This letter was supposed to be all finished up on Mother’s Day but I have been taking care of a very sick little babe (you) and have had to put my letter on hold. You poor soul.

A whole year has passed and we have had such a lovely time getting to know each other. You are 20 months now and I just can’t believe we’ve had you so long. We will probably say it a lot but time goes so quickly these days. Today is Mother’s Day and such a wonderful time to reflect on being your mom. There are some days when I just think, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing and other days when I think, hey I got this! But loving you is always constant. Some things I love about you:

You are so concerned for others. You are always so concerned when you see or hear others crying. Even in the book we read there is a part where the little fox is crying and whenever we get to that page we have to stop and talk about it. When someone is crying around you, you try to make them laugh. It’s so sweet and adorable but looks funny to anyone who doesn’t know what you are trying to do. You will go up to the person and either just start laughing at them (trying to get them to laugh) or do something silly. I try to explain to other parents that you are trying to help and not being rude when you laugh at another child crying. The other day I was having a hard day (you will understand this but you will definitely understand this as a mother) and you found me crying. You took me by the hand and lead me to the bedroom and patted the bed for us to lay down and snuggle. My heart almost burst with love. I have so many similar stories of your interactions with me and others. 

You are so funny! Seriously, you do super hilarious stuff all the time. You are always making your dad and I laugh. You love to be silly. You have a fake laugh and a real laugh and I love both. When your dad comes home we will go over our days either over dinner or after you’ve gone to bed and I always have a story about you that makes us both laugh. You absolutely brighten up when you’ve gotten us to laugh so I make sure that no matter what I’m feeling if you are doing something to make me laugh, I laugh. You will say “hmmmm…” before saying “yes” “no” or “maybe” and it always makes me laugh. You will whisper “wow” in the sweetest voice at the most hilarious times. 

You are so helpful. I know this is pretty common with kids your age but I hope it stays. You love to run and grab things for us. If something spills you quickly run and grab a towel so wipe it up. You love to wipe our noses and have us pretend cough into tissues. You are so quick to throw your clothes in the laundry hamper or to clean up your toys. In the morning you will bring me a shirt to put on to start our day. The other day I was chatting with you about how I didn’t know what I was going to wear and you pulled back the door of where I keep my clothes and pointed to them and then I said “I just don’t know which ones to wear though.” You went into my laundry hamper and pulled out a pink shirt for me.  You’ve also brought me a pillow while I did my stomach exercises on the floor, and your water bottle to drink while I worked out. Just now we were playing block and you said “all done” and started putting them away. I want to remember all of these little moments just in case you grow out it J

You are smart. So smart. I know all moms say that and it’s probably the case here and you are probably just on track; but you do things that just blow me away. I can see in your eyes that you understand what I am saying and you will more often than not do what I ask or answer appropriately.  You know animal noises, tons of words (most other people can understand  but some are just you and I), your body parts, how to count to three (all I say is “count” and you do!”) and some days four,  we are currently working on colors. You love books and that just make my heart so happy. You are such a great problem solver and just so clever.  You are so good about communicating what you need and I love how your eyes light up and you smile when I’ve got it right. You can sign “all done” and “more” you can also say them but before you could it was a life saver! 

You are such a little chatter box and storyteller…at home. You aren’t much for talking when we are out and about but at home you just talk and talk and talk. The other night when you woke up at 2 a.m. (sick little thing) you went on and on with quite the story. It was darling and I didn’t mind because you were so happy and had so much to tell me. I was less happy when you woke up at 6 a.m. in a terrible mood.  (We won’t even mention last night and what you put me through, just know you owe me lady!)

You are so loving. Although you aren’t one for lots of hug and kisses much to my disappointment (although that doesn’t stop me!) you are so loving. You take such good care of your baby and stuffed animals. You are so  gentle but so fierce at times that I wonder how all of that can fit into such a tiny person.

 

I will finish it off (I could go on and on!) with talking about how we’ve entered the toddler tantrums. When I was pregnant and when you were a newborn I read a lot about parenting. The new thing is called time-ins. They talk about how kids shouldn’t have time outs anymore to be left alone to deal with their emotions but time-ins to work through it with their parent and have someone help them with all their feelings. Obviously that’s a huge sum up and there is a bit more to it but anyway. When I read that I thought “yes! That makes so much sense that’s what I will do. Of course kids need to feel loved and helped through their emotions. I will totally be that Mom.” As with all my parenting plans you came with your own ideas.  When you are in a tantrum the absolute WORST thing we can do is interact with you in anyway. I am not talking about us trying to do a time-in with you once and it didn’t work, we’ve tried SO many times. I can’t quite put into words how much worse it is when we try to hold you, hug you, talk to you, move you, anything that interacts with you. You calm down SO much quicker when you are by yourself and being ignored. Like actually cuts the time in half. So just know that I was all ready to be “that” kind of mom but you did not like it. 

Sitting so sweetly for Mother's Day.

Eliza, I love being your mom. It’s amazing and challenging and something I am proud to be. You bring so much joy and laughter into my life. I am so happy you are mine for eternity. The true joy of motherhood is the little moments throughout the day that I get to share with you and be apart of. I love you and hope and pray you always feel loved by me, your dad, and your Heavenly Father. We are all on your side.Thanks for letting me try out all my parenting ideas on you, I have no idea what I'm doing

Clap Along If You Know What Happiness Is To You

Last month I joined the #100HappyDays challenge. I joined it knowing that this time of year is hard. It's hard because it's cold and gray and rainy, it's hard because it's stressful with the holidays, it's hard because we usually get sick, it's hard because I usually get homesick. So when I came across this challenge I honestly couldn't think of a better time to do it. How wonderful to purposefully set out to find something that made me happy each and every day. While I knew that this was going to be a good thing I had no idea what a great thing it would end up being. Throughout my day I am constantly thinking that could be it, or maybe I want to use that, but this one!

I have been able to post 40 days without missing one which I am both pleased and surprised by. I hope and plan to do the full 100 but will be happy even with the amount I've done. I have posted a lot of picture of Eliza, I've noticed, but as we spend 10 hours a day of one-on-one time together I feel like that seems pretty appropriate.  It's been lovely seeing the collection of pictures and some themes my family, my friends, my hobbies, laughs, these all make me happy. I am so happy I have found this challenge and hope to continue for all the 100 days.

My favorites

Got away to enjoy some crafting time.

Lovely pedicures with Leah that I am still enjoying the benefits of.

The Chemainus Dinner Theater with Remy. We were front row and it was wonderful!

Our yearly tradition of the singing Christmas Tree. This year I didn't get a chance to get tickets to it so I asked Remy to ask the usher for one.

Two months of freezer meals that I am so very thankful we have! I am sad and thankful at the same time that they are getting used up.

My out of my comfort zone pants that I love.

One of our at home date nights. Nachos and Pitch Perfect.

My tiny little chef.

She begs to play in the car regularly. Sometimes we sit out there for an hour or more while she plays.

Our Christmas Day. It was lovely.

Boxing Day with Remy's family. So wonderful to have them!

Selfies with my gal.

Building some block towers.

Swimming!

Getting a fun package in the mail.

O Christmas Tree O Christmas Tree

I feel like I need to blow the dust off before I post a blog post. As I have been preparing my lesson for this Sunday I have been practically hit over the head with the impression that I need to journal more. I need to record our lives, all of it. I don't need to share with everyone all of it but I need to record it. I felt this same way about becoming organized last year and I did pretty well with that so here is hoping.

I have been thinking a lot lately about our Christmas tree. We were debating on whether we were going to put one up at all this year. Where would we put it? Would she bother it? Would it be a cause of frustration? Was it all worth it? On December 23rd I answered all those questions and out the boxes came and up the tree went. I am so happy we did. Every year it makes me so happy to see. The Christmas tree and the lights add such a magic and romantic glow to the living room.

I had the opportunity to experience Christmas trees in three different ways growing up. My dad's way, my mom's way, and my grandma's way. Through these very different experiences I got to see what I did and did not want to carry on to my own family.

My Mom's way was very hmm..precise. Her tree was always so very beautiful, was/is always magazine perfect, and artificial. We would get the tree up followed by the lights and then there was a very specific system for the bows, ribbons, ornaments, decorative whatnots. It always took a long time but so gorgeous everyone who came over would ooohh and ahhh.

My Dad's way was very cold. Every year we all would bundle up and travel to a Christmas tree farm where we would get on a big tractor that would leave us in the middle of nowhere to find our trees. It ALWAYS took FOREVER. We needed to find the exactly perfect tree no exceptions. I remember one year trudging through the snow coming up with headlines for my obituary because I was so sure I was going to die while Christmas Tree shopping. (I even remember thinking," then they would be sorry!") We would eventually find the perfect tree come home and put the lights on only to have to sometimes restring them then we could put the ornaments on. I always liked the after part of it when we would then sit in the living room with the lights off just sitting and talking.

My Grandma's way was my favorite. She would put her tree up and then invite Ashley and I over to come decorate it anyway we liked. We had white lights and colored lights and tinsel and ornaments. We would put it all on and it was so much fun. If any of my Aunts dared criticize the tree she would quickly come to our defense. She liked it that way and it was beautiful.  The best part was that every year my aunts, uncles, and cousins would all come over to my Grandma and Papa's for Christmas and we would open presents in front of that beautiful Christmas Tree.

Our Christmas tree is still taking shape even though we've been married almost 7 years. We've only had a Christmas tree for two of them. It's absolutely artificial no doubt about that, pre-lit also a requirement, as far as the rest of the decorations go it's just our childhood ornaments we received upon moving out. The ornaments and decorations will morph as the years go on I am sure but the pre-lit artificial Christmas tree will always remain.