Sorry I haven't written in awhile. To be honest I went back and forth on writing about this particular topic. Once I decided that I would write it I wasn't sure whether to make it public or private. I struggled with whether people would make fun of me, pity me, laugh at me, or give me advice. After weighing the pros and cons I chose to write it and make it public for those struggling with the issue themselves. I want to share a part of my struggle with my weight. I know that I am not alone and many people have struggled and have far more inspirational stories than mine, but this is mine. It is going to be long, wordy, and I probably won't say half the stuff I wanted to say, but it's also going to be real.
My issue with weight has been a life-long struggle. I often wonder how much of it shaped me into the person I am. I think a lot of it did actually. I knew what it was like to be teased so I befriended those who were. I worked hard to be extra nice and caring so that people wouldn't want to tease me. I was embarrassed of my body and was a modest dresser.
Elementary: I loved to play outside. I was always outside roller blading, riding bikes, running around with the neighbour kids. We built forts, played games, went on adventures. I took dance classes. Most of my memories are of outside. Gym was a class of humiliation because even being as active as I was...I was still chubby. My gym teacher often would single me out in class making me feel terrible.
Middle school: As soon as sports were able I tried out. In 7th grade I tried out for basketball (and 8th). I had never played basketball in my life but I knew I wanted to play. Surprisingly enough I made a team. I was thrilled! I went to every practice and got to play in the games. The practices were tough and long and I loved them. Once basketball was finished I tried out for volleyball, although I didn't make it I was asked to be the team manager. I jumped at the chance. I went to every practice and was able to work out with the team. I even stopped eating lunch altogether. I was still fat.
High School: Cheerleading! How I love(d) cheerleading! Cheerleading made me feel alive. I loved everything about it, I still do. These practices were also tough we had to run a mile a day on top other cardio, we had to weight train three times a week. I did both seasons. Again I loved it. Still fat.
Fast Forward to awhile ago: I found out I had a gluten intolerance that could be affecting my weight and the ability to lose it. There was a flood of emotion that went through me, relief at knowing why, anger, grief. That began a long road that I still am on of eliminating it from my diet. I love (d) carbs. I naively thought that once I got rid of it I might start seeing a change. Nope. Last year I decided I was going to be healthier. I started measuring my portions, counting my calories, and going to the gym. I taped a piece of paper with everything in my fridge written and what size was a portion and how many calories. After about a month I was steadily gaining weight. Remy often found me in the bathroom crying. I had no idea what to do, how could I be working this hard and be gaining weight? I gave it a break for a while, I just couldn't handle it emotionally anymore.
Now: Here I am 23 and still chubby. I have tried tips and tricks, diets, and exercise programs. I don't know if I will ever be thin or even like the way my body looks but I am going to be a good person, a good friend, a good wife, a better daughter, and a good sister. I have a husband who loves and supports me, wonderful friends, and a crazy loving family. I am going to live a healthy life and see what happens. There are still going to be times where Remy finds me in the bathroom crying because of how I look, but I hope there will be less of those as I come to accept myself.
Usually I can't wait for people to read my post, to make comments to enjoy my writing. This time is different. This time this was for me.
