Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye.

I’m going to write this post for a few reasons:

• ·         I want people to know why I am sad/depressed/different
• ·        I want my baby’s story written down
• ·         I have replayed it over and over in my head and I am hoping if I get it all down, I don’t have to try to remember it as often.
• ·         I don’t know what I am suppose to do, do I tell people and talk about it? Do I try to not make people uncomfortable? Which is better? What will help me the most in the long run? I just don’t know what to do.
• ·         Only my friend/family read my blog and I think it will be easier to tell the story once

*This is very graphic*

On Christmas day I knew I was pregnant. I hadn’t confirmed it with a pregnancy test so I didn’t want to tell Remy yet but I knew. We were staying with Remy’s mom and step-dad and I was trying to figure out a way to get out of the house to go buy one. My friend Laurie called and we planned for a shopping trip a few days after Christmas. This was my chance, I still had to figure out how I was going to get it without her knowing but I could figure that out later. I loved and enjoyed our shopping trip but it was definitely on my mind. I finally asked if we could stop by a drug store on the way home. I ran in and ran out (paying of course) with exactly what I needed. 

I nervously waited for morning when I could test. The little sign popped up right away and I was  shocked/surprised/excited! Remy was out shoveling so I very patiently waited for him to finish then I continued to wait while he drank the hot chocolate I made him, all the while I was bursting inside. I told him I had a surprise for him that I would give him in the bedroom. I had him close his eyes while I put an apple seed in his hand. Once he opened his eyes I told him that was how big our baby was! I was five weeks pregnant and due August 29! I luckily got everything on video.  Remy was in shock!

We spent the next while talking about OUR baby, planning, laughing, and reading everything we could about what was going on in there. I kept a journal every single day since the day I found out where I wrote my thoughts, fears, ideas, hopes, and pregnancy symptoms(so many).  I took pictures every week to chronicle my growing belly. I made sure to eat all the right foods, work out, and do all I could to take care of this little one. We decided to keep it secret until 12 weeks to be on the safe side (your risk of miscarriage goes down after the  trimester) and loved giggling together about the comments and conversations we had with other people. 

5 week apple seed

6 week sweet pea

7 week blueberry

9 week gumball

10 week prune

11 week garlic

February 14 was not only Valentine’s day for us but also the day we made our announcement video. We spent the evening shooting and editing and bubbling with excitement! We waited so long to share and we couldn’t wait.  The morning of Feb 15 marked my 12 week mark and off we sent the video to our families. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExypIbSSa68

We stayed by our computers anxiously awaiting the skype calls. Our moms were first, they were so excited and even cried a little. Remy’s dad sent us a lovely e-mail and Ashley messaged me on skype completely excited. My dad, step-mom, and little brother and sister were thrilled. Everyone couldn’t have been happier for us, even if they were a little upset we waited so long to share our news. 

Not an hour after the video was sent I started to have some brown spotting. I knew that it was normal and just took it easy and told myself I would just keep an eye on it. I was having a bit of cramping but again knew that it could just be my uterus growing and that it was normal.  As the day went on the spotting became heavier and even was tinged with bright red blood. I called my midwife and waited to hear from her. An hour and a half later she called and told me to come in right away. We hopped in the car and I drove us there. She tried to find the heartbeat and wasn’t able to so she told me she would call first thing in the morning to get me in for an ultrasound and for me to go home and rest.  When we came home I started cramping and it became extremely intense, I asked Remy to call someone to give me a blessing. I sat on the toilet and rocked back and forth, it was the only way to get some relief. Paul came and Remy quickly told him what was happening. I received the blessing and I knew I was going to lose our baby.  As I stood up to give Paul a hug I had an instant gush of blood. I ran to the bathroom. I was in so much pain, scared, and the blood kept gushing out. I was fighting my body, I knew what it was doing and I was trying to keep my baby in. I kept crying out, My baby! Remy and Paul called my midwife and were told to get me to the ER right away. I saw our baby. Our very tiny baby. The only way I know for sure is because of the little eyes. I called Remy in and showed him our baby. I didn't want to flush it but I didn't know what to do. That is the image I can’t get out of my head. Remy gave me some clothes to change into and Paul (I will never be able to thank him enough for everything he did for us that night) drove us to the ER. 

They showed me into an exam room and hooked me up to an IV drew my blood and then did an ultrasound. They found a little debris and asked me to come back the next day to get an ultrasound done with better equipment. I knew it wasn’t our baby so I didn’t get my hopes up.  I was on strict bed rest until my appointment. Paul had waited for us the entire time and drove us back home.  I called my mom and cried and cried. I wasn’t suppose to drive so I asked her if she could help find me a ride for my appointment. (She tried a few people and was able to get a hold of Leah who found a babysitter to be able to take us, I am so grateful to her.)  After a little ice cream, a chat with my mom, and some crying we decided to head to bed. 

The night was hard. I would sleep a little, wake up in excruciating pain, then go to the bathroom because of the gushes of blood and then repeat the process about every hour.  At about 7am Remy woke up and sat with me in the bathroom. I am so thankful he did because as I was sitting on the toilet I passed out. We were talking and the next thing I remember is waking up with my body slumped in Remy’s arms as he was shaking me awake. I woke up but felt so weak I was still slumped over on the toilet. Remy came in with some water, I was too weak to even hold the glass so he poured it in my mouth. He helped me get into bed. I was so cold, tired and weak and he held me to comfort me and help me get warm. We laid there talking (we weren't sure if I should sleep or not) until the next gush came. Remy helped me into the bathroom and I passed out again. Remy called the midwife after I came to and she told us to get our butts to the ER and call an ambulance.  We tried calling some people that live nearby and couldn’t get a hold of them. We then called Erica (Oma) and she said she could take us.  I took a few precautions to make sure I didn’t ruin her seats but I just had a feeling it wasn’t enough so I put down my coat before I sat down. 

When we got to the ER (a 5 minute drive at most) my coat had blood on it. We walked in and the nurse took my vitals and when I walked over to the other window to get my bracelet I saw that there was blood all over the seat I had been sitting on.  The nurse came over and asked me to stand so she could slip a towel under me.  When I stood gushes and gushes came out, my pants and underwear were so full and heavy with blood that they were slipping down. The blood was rushing down my legs and into my shoes and four golf ball size clots fell onto the floor through my pant legs. I was so scared. They had me get into a wheelchair and wheeled me back to the exam room right away while I cried.  They had me change and while I changed more clots fell onto the floor. The nurse was in there with me and had to throw my pants and underwear away because of the amount of blood. She was the most amazing nurse.  We told her we just told our families yesterday, she said “Oh and you even waited.” Yup, we waiting until we were in the “clear”. She told me that no one really understands unless they’ve gone through it and that unfortunately she had. She told me I needed to get a good support system of friends and family and that a lot of women have been through this and that I will be surprised who comes out of the woodwork to be there for me. She was amazing. They hooked me up to an IV and did an ultrasound where they still found the debris.  The doctor did a pelvic exam where he said “wow you weren’t kidding about the bleeding.” He found that I was dilated and that there was some debris stuck and that’s why I was bleeding so much, my body was trying to get rid of it. He showed me how much I was dilated with his fingers and that he was extremely surprised because normally women don’t come in dilated. He also told me that all I have to do is ask and they can get me pain medicine, I wish I would have. They had me clean myself up but I couldn’t keep up with the blood coming out and it was all over the floor. A tech came in to take some blood for tests and while she asked me to spell my name for her I passed out right onto her. The next thing I remember was laying down flat on the bed (I had been sitting up) surrounded by four nurses staring at me and calling my name.

My nurse (Jen) told me she was going to get the head nurse to allow me to stay in there until my ultrasound appointment.  Even with four blankets on I was freezing, especially my feet. Remy, my amazing husband, took off his socks and put them on my freezing feet.  Once, when I went to the bathroom, he made my bed. I was a little warmer after that.

After a while I was wheeled into the waiting room to wait for someone to come get me for my ultrasound. I sat and cried and drank water. Poor Remy hadn’t eaten anything at this point and I told him go get something but he didn't want to leave my side. I hadn’t had anything either, but they didn’t want me to just in case.

I was wheeled to my ultrasound and burst into tears. This moment was suppose to be wonderful. We were supposed to see our baby. I was suppose to look over to Remy and see him smile and for us to hold hands and be so happy to see our little baby on the screen bouncing around. That is what is suppose to happen at ultrasounds. But it was empty, completely empty, and as soon as I saw that I had to look away and cry. 

I was wheeled back to the waiting room to meet with the doctor. I was bleeding, in pain, and every time I looked at the mothers with their children and babies I cried. After what seemed like forever the doctor came and told me that my uterus was empty and that the OBGYN was going to meet with me. We waited again and while we waited my midwife called and told me that the OBGYN that was on call was a good doctor and to trust him. He finally came and met with Remy and I, I am so glad my midwife told me he was a good doctor because he was a complete jerk. He confirmed that I was empty and that a D&C wasn’t needed. I was so grateful.  He gave us the bare minimum of information and told us we could leave once my IV was out.

Jen came back to remove my IV (I left the hospital with seven poke-induced bruises). She gave us more information about what I would experience and what I should do ( and included instruction to have a movie marathon). I told her it was so strange to walk into a place with pants and walk out without any. She brought some mesh underwear (they are amazing!!) and some one size fits all scrub pants. Erica then came to pick us up.

We came home and called my mom, talked to my dad, my sister. I laid on the couch emotionally and physically drained.  The doorbell rang and at the door was Paul with salads and chicken. What a blessing!  I was trying to stay awake but I couldn’t keep my eyes open, I mean I fell asleep during Golden Girls! Who does that? While I was sleeping Leah was so kind to drop off some things I needed  and then my midwife came by to drop some things off.  

I am still exhausted, in pain, and emotionally drained. The hardest times are at night and when I'm alone. I know that it's going to take a long time to be okay again but I know I will be. I still cry all the time. I had bought these cute onesies as my first baby purchase. It's hard to have them in the house but I can't give them away, they were for my baby. MY baby was suppose to wear them. I can't imagine someones else's baby wearing MY baby's onesies, so Remy is going to pack them away for me. TV has been one of the only things that has helped. How strange is that, but it's true I just sit in front of it and zone out. I tried reading but my mind wonders and flashes all the images from the last few days. Talking is hard because I don't mean to but usually the conversation go back to my pregnancy and the miscarriage and when we aren't actually talking about it I'm thinking about it. Mostly I just need someone to come and sit with me while I watch TV and let me talk about it when I want and cry about it when I want and just be here.

Remy has been amazing, I honestly couldn't ask for a better husband. He has been my rock. He has been waiting on me, making me my soup and grill cheese sandwiches (the only thing I want to eat), listening to me, running to the store to pick things up, calling people for me, and bringing home flowers for me. He even moved our bed into the living room for me. I don't know what I would do without him.

Beautiful tulips Remy brought home.

Through all of this I truly do see the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father. There are so many thoughts, feelings, and fears running through me I have a hard time processing it all but the one thing I am sure of is that my Heavenly Father has a hand in my life and loves me and Remy. I want my baby but I know it’s just waiting for the right time to come to us and that we will be wonderful parents.