I am Remy; also known by some areas of the internet as Renaissance Jack. I possess many talents, but am a master of none. But "a Jack of all trades but a master of none, is still better than a master of just one". I am large and contain multitudes, but I am stuck in a never ending cycle of deadlock.
The term Deadlock has many definitions, but when it comes to my current situation, two of them are most appropriate. First, it is the point during an argument when an agreement can not be reached because neither side will change its demands or yield to the demands of the other. In computer science, it refers to when a computer is attempting to use its resources to carry out an action, but said resources are currently tied up in executing other actions. Basically, the computer can’t do anything because its resources are spread too thin. Both definitions are me in a nutshell.
I am not a computer, but a human being with feelings. A
computer would be able to think logically and allocate its resources to
multitask like a boss! Come to think of it, many of the women I’ve known can
already do this. Stupid penis. A computer would be able to calculate potential
risks and outcomes, and come to an informed decision on which actions would
yield the most favourable results. Me? I’ve spent the majority of my life
arguing with myself about which paths to follow, which actions to take and how to
manage my time effectively. I am not in a special situation; lots of
people go through this. Still, I feel as though I’ve been stuck in a midlife
crisis ever since graduating high-school. And I really, really want it to stop.
Sidenote: I started writing this back in 2021. I gave up on
it thinking things might even out. While lots has happened since I started
this, I still find myself in the same perpetual state, but now with a potential
mental component to consider. Simply put, I am utterly convinced I am somewhere
on the ADHD/Autism spectrum. I have felt this way well before ever getting any vaccines by the way. I am not officially diagnosed, but
everything I’ve read and researched strongly suggests this is so. Heck,
executive disfunction might as well be the subtitle of the following entries. If
true, it would make so many things throughout my entire life finally make sense.
For a large portion of my life, I really believed I was
going to be a writer, specifically a novelist. I went to school for it, I
pursued it as a hobby and I even attempted to find jobs where it was a required
skill. I have a real talent for it, if grades and feedback are to be believed. But year after year, nothing came of it. I wrote unfinished story after
unfinished story, obtained a job in finance of all things, found, pursued and
summarily exited religion, got married, became a father and discovered I really
enjoy composing music, singing, doing sound design and voice acting. All of
these latter skills are extremely competitive and require an inordinate amount of time
to develop, let alone actually get good at. With all these interests, dreams,
hobbies and responsibilities I am spread thin. I don’t know what to focus on or
what to let go of. I feel I am imprisoned in a vicious cycle; a constant state
of deadlock, and there is no one who can help me. I know this, because people
have tried. Some people like my wife – bless her – have tried a whole lot.
This is my escape attempt. This is me evaluating myself and
making a plan. Basically, this is the live, unflinching story of how I, a forty-two year old talented, blind,
white binary male am trying to find my place in a world brimming with seductive
distractions and attractive pipe dreams. It will teach me more about myself,
and give insight into my struggles, flaws and personality. It will make me
accountable and force me to take action. It will be a story of triumph by gosh,
because if it is not, then this deadlock – this state of unending purgatory is
sure to prevail.
Over the coming weeks, I am going to dissect my hobbies,
passions, responsibilities and personality traits to within an inch of their
lives. And I am going to attempt to evaluate the positive and negative aspects
of pursuing them. Finally, I will create a plan of action for how I can improve
my skills should I deem them worth pursuing. This is meant to motivate me,
because I know that at the end of the day, nobody can help me but me. I am
doing this for myself, but if you’re interested in knowing more about me, I
would welcome your support.
