Shutting Down the World

After six years of not writing anything, I was trying to decide where to even begin. So much has happened, and so much hasn't. Heck, the last time I wrote, My daughter was barely more than a fetus, my creativity was vastly different, and I had just started working a steady job. Now my daughter's six, I'm a somewhat compitent musician, I've done a lot more voice acting, and my job? Well, it's still here, and despite how much I could gripe about that, I really am thankful for it. I suppose if I kept writing I'd allude to all of these things in time. So perhaps I might as well start with what's on the entire world's mind right now.

We are in the grip of a global pandemic: they call it Covit 19, and it has all but shut the world down. The virus is doing what viruses do, all be it to a far greater degree than usual. I don't know if there's a single country unaffected right now. It's cancelled schools all over the world, and shut down huge swathes of businesses, sporting events, and even the 2020 Olympics, though Tokyo wanted to go ahead with that one in spite of the virus. There are over a million infected, small potatoes when compared with a population of 8 billion, but still more than a few. Of those, a small percentage are actually fatal. Symptoms range from mild flu-like, to massive respiratory issues. I myself wonder if Chelsea and I may have gotten it, though I am mostly recovered. Poor Chelsea meanwhile is pretty sick, but no more than she has been in the past. The endometriosis isn't helping of course.

So what does that mean for me and my family? Well, Eliza's going stir crazy. She can't go to school, and can't spend time with her friends. Everyone is practicing social distancing, staying at least six feet apart at all times when out in public, and not leaving our houses except when necessary. She's been great through all this, but it's starting to really affect her; manifesting in whining about the simplest things. She's becoming scared of a lot too, and I think that's a result less of the fears themselves and more a manifestation of the strain of the isolation. As for me, I'm an essential service, so I'm still working three days one and five days off. It's hard to be at work because it's boring as all get out. And when it's not boring it's frustrating, because people don't get the concept of distance, and for only coming in for things which are really necessary. It's also hard being home, mainly because Eliza is having such a hard time. Some days are great, but more and more, she is difficult. I know it's not her fault, but that doesn't change the fact that some days, I wish I could just be by myself. Unfortunately, fatherhood doesn't really work that way, not good fatherhood anyway. At the end of most days, I am left drained no matter what. I Seek escape in gaming at the moment, because in that, at least, I have some measure of control. There's my psycho-analysis for the day.

How Have You Been Gone So Long?

2020! Six whole years since my last attempt to document my life. Clearly a new low. I’m through making promises to write more; clearly it’s not helping.

Where to even start? Eliza is six already. Though I’ve missed out on documenting her life so far in this, I at least have a plethora of pictures and videos to fall back on. It’s been remarkable watching her grow from this little barely human creature into the beautiful young lady she’s becoming. We still have lots of challenges – lots and lots of them – but overall I’m very proud of her.

I’ve really gotten into writing music. I can’t even recall if that was something I was trying my hand at in 2014, but it’s become a big part of my life. So much so that it created a bit of a falling out with Chelsea and I. Don’t get me wrong, she’s super supportive. But I spent a lot of money on software to make my music sound good, and while I didn’t lie to her about it or anything, I didn’t loop her into the decision. Overall it was around $2000. She wasn’t happy when she found out. And I don’t blame her one bit. It was the first time we really got into a major struggle. Though you could hardly call it a fight, because from the first I knew she was right. But I digress. That’s the negative. The positive is way more interesting. I’m actually a musician. Sure, I can’t play live, just like I can’t record voice lines live, but with the help of some really awesome sounding virtual instruments and an audio editing program I can hold my own. One of my pieces even got featured in a video game, along with my portrayal of a sinister wizard. Sure, almost nobody I know has even played it, but it’s out there, and I’m in the credits, and I even earned a little money. My first booked job as it were.

I’m also still heavily into creating audio theatre. I’ve definitely gotten better at it. I’ve finished several projects since my last entry, and two of them were even collaborations with others. The first of these was a bit of a hot mess in the acting department, but I’m still really happy with the overall project. I did all the sound design, music and some voice work. It’s an hour long; by far the longest thing I’ve done to date. The other collaboration was a reimagining of H P Lovecraft’s The Hound. I did most of the voice acting for that, as well as all the sound design and music. There’s a finished version done by someone else, and it does my heart good to know mine will be of higher quality. That’s not saying the other one isn’t decent.

Things in the writing department aren’t going so well, though at least I do still write. The Nightshade Working hasn’t been worked on since not long after Eliza was born, but I have continued on Dreamlight – which sat unwritten since 2010, and a new story which is now 80 pages. No matter how you spin it though, I don’t write nearly enough. I don’t know what my problem is. I think I just get overwhelmed by my own ambition. I’m not up to the challenge of bringing to life the ideas that sound so good in my head. I bet a lot of writers feel that way.

Indeed part of the reason for my floundering is I am spread too thin. I love music, voice acting and audio theatre. I also love gaming, spending time with my family and writing. I can’t do them all and get really good at them, and I can’t figure out which ones to give up on to gain a narrower focus. This has been eating at me for years now. Sure, I wasn’t much of a writer even before these other endeavors started, but it’s gotten worse in ways. I hate feeling this way, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to try to learn a new hobby because I know it will only add to the chaos. It doesn’t help that in none of these hobbies do I really excel. I’m only an okay gamer; my gaming is slower than most. I’m a slow voice actor; slow enough that I fear nobody would ever higher me for a job, because I can’t cold read to save my life. I’m also a half-assed musician; needing to rely on audio editing to make anything decent. And as for writing? I’m just overwhelmed like I said. I’m really a mess in that regard. But I can’t help loving it all anyway. And to be honest, I love the praise and validation I get whenever someone tells me my creations are good.

At the moment, I’m trying to do a blog about all these issues in the hopes I can sort myself out. Of course, the blog requires me to write, so that’s coming slowly too. I’m hoping it will help in some way.